A patient once asked me, “Dr. Kirk, why am I so hairy?” To which I naturally screamed, “Zookeeper! The escaped gorilla is in here!” and ran out of the exam room. We laughed heartily as I threw a banana at him on the way out. But aside from the savage roasting, Dr. Kirk also provided loving education. The simple response is, “How hairy are the monkeys hanging in your family tree?”
Yes, the number one answer is and always will be “genetics.” Understand, we are all mammals. We all have body hair. Some just have finer, thicker, darker, lighter, curlier, etc. etc. and all the uniqueness God intended your snowflake to be. Ancestry and ethnicity are also in play. Some regional backgrounds carry evolutionary traits of being hairier. For example, a gentleman from northern Greece with a frosty Mediterranean climate carries more reason to have adaptive luscious hair than say…me, and my Pacific Islander need for climbing mango trees in a loincloth. But whilst that is the easy greasy answer, we should discuss the OTHER medical reasons for unwanted (or wanted) bodily hairiness.
There is a condition called “Hirsutism” (yes, it cruelly sounds like “Hair-suit-ism” like you’re wearing a hair suit; quit being mean, y’all). And this condition of unwelcomed body hair can be caused by high androgen activity like excessive testosterone and polycystic ovary syndrome. This results in thicker, coarser hair in places not so popular in our culture. Namely, the face, chest, armpit and bathing suit area. To each his/her own, I suppose. If you like dark hair there, I’m not judging you. If not, this is typically treated successfully by primary care and OB/GYN practices.
Vitamin and mineral deficiencies are often cited as reasons for hair thinning/loss, but you can also think of this in reverse: is there something I am consuming that is making my hair darker and thicker? Nutritionists may warn you that many refined sugars (think: anything delicious) can increase insulin load, thereby spiking androgen production, so eating more natural whole foods may be your solution.
Otherwise, how can we lessen your hair without putting several of Mr. Gillette’s kids thru college? Medical spas have many safe and effective ways to lessen your follicle load. Waxing, dermaplaning, chemical depilatories, lasers, etc. The room may sound like a NASCAR pit crew doing a four-tire change, but folks come out like smiley smooth eels ready to break the new land speed record on a slip-n-slide. Check your local medical spa for the right option for you.
Otherwise, maybe choose to embrace your follicle fortune. Winter is coming. And like I told my buddy I mentioned earlier: bananas are loaded with potassium. I read in medical school that’s good for you.
Yours in Health and Christ, Dr. Kirk
