I don’t use straws. No, I’m not being “green” or following California law here on the other side of the map; I was actually scared into not using them when I was young. Teenage Dr. Kirk was largely a social creature, if you can imagine. (Note: back then “DOCTOR Kirk” was only what I called myself on the basketball court, mind you.) And like most teenagers, I did my best to avoid embarrassing myself in the judgmental teenage world. On some FM radio show that would give you some interesting factoids in between Boyz II Men songs, I heard that drinking from straws gave you gas!
Now understand, I really haven’t changed that much. Teenage Dr. Kirk had his passionate love for Taco Bell already, so gas was already a potential disaster and second date canceller. I didn’t need any more help NOT getting second dates; I struck out just fine on my own. So, I quit using drinking straws to lessen the chance of having embarrassing gas. Flash forward to adult Dr. Kirk, much more educated and with more than blacktop ball cred behind my name, and this factoid is TRUE! Gastroenterologists have found through comparative studies that people who drink from straws, on average, have more reports of gas, bloating and digestive complaints than those who do not use straws.
The science is simple: a column of air will always fill the straw sticking out of your drink. *In fact, if you drink carbonated drinks, your straw is actually like a little exhaust pipe, constantly tooting out air. Every time you take a sip, you suck in that column of air, quickly followed by your beverage. More sips, more air. Hence, gas bubbles in your stomach needing to go somewhere and uncles everywhere needing their fingers pulled. But it’s not just straws. Any air swallowed contributes to stomach issues. Some GI docs will tell their patients who suffer from bloating and gassiness to make a conscious effort while eating to FULLY EXHALE through their nose before swallowing food or drink. Give it a try. Next time you eat/drink, try to consciously fully exhale before you swallow, straws or not. Look, y’all, straws are NOT evil, by any means. They certainly keep your lips off a potentially unclean cup, I suppose. Straws just simply act as a way to ensure you are adding a few more gas bubbles with every sip. Use this scientific fact however you choose.
So, young Dr. Kirk was ahead of his time, ditching the drinking straw. Not for the greater good of the environment, but rather for the benefit of the sad ecosystem known as the 90s dating pool. Did it work for me? Ask my gorgeous wife. You know what? Actually, please don’t. Now where are my Boyz II Men CDs…
Yours in Health and Christ, Dr. Kirk
